Golf week in review – Rocco’s Revenge

Why waste time watching golf on TV when FakeJohnnyMiller tells you all u need to know…

What a delight to watch Rocco Mediate fight off the demons and steal the Open over the weekend…and FJM does mean steal…Kid Rock shook off the age dust and managed to jar not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 separate wedge shots for eagles…one per day to win the tourney over Bo Van Pelt, Kid Puma and a collection of others…Kid Rock had a 4 shot lead going into the final round but by the time he got to the 16th tee, he was 5 over for the day and one shot back…so of course he dunks a 20 footer for birdie and then buries a 116 yard wedge for eagle on 17…BTW, the odds of holing out from over 100 yards away on four consecutive days are the same as FJM nailing BumpnRun list leader Lauren Thompson

 The Leader board for the Fry’s wasn’t bad for a Fall Finish event. Kid Puma was lead Ryder Cupper but there were some other interesting names.  Nice to see David Duval bring home $150K or so…after getting dumped by Nike, he needed it. Biggest choker for the week was almost Kid Rock, but the birdie eagle finish saved him…Van Pelt wins if he shoots 2 under instead of even, but we’ll give the biggest choker award to the Big Man himself, John Daly who carded a smooth +11 82 to move from 5 under to 6 over. A three under 68 would have given the Big Man a top 20 finish and about $50K…now FJM has spent some time in the Greater San Jose area where this tourney took place, it is possible to get in trouble in these parts on a Saturday Night, FJM is betting that the Big Man hit in order to parlay his endorsement contract from Loudmouth Pants  into a serious tax loss…word out of Vegas is that nobody yells hit me on 16 louder than the Big Man.

The European Tour was in the Algarve in Portugal where there are certainly more and better distractions than San Jose, California, and it certainly didn’t impact the games of our Euro brethren …apparently drunken debauchery agrees with the Euros as evidenced by the final round fireworks…check this out…the top ten finishers averaged 4 under par 68s in the final round…that included a 7 under par 65 by winner Richard Green and a 10 under 62 by  FFFing Molinari to finish tied for second…the choker award has to go to Pablo Martin, who was at 18 under par with the lead on Saturday night and repsonded with a three over par 75…FJM knows how Pablo spent Saturday Night ….when will these guys learn…sleeping on the lead is a death blow for anybody but El Tigre…i’ll bet the following guys were also receiving communion on Saturday night…Mikko Illonen, Oliver Wilson, John Parry, Jeppe Huldahl were all tied or within 1 at bedtime on Saturday night…including Pablo, their best score on Sunday was even par 72…FJM rule number 1, get plastered the night before any final round….if you do it right you should need to borrow pants on Sunday morning and you need to knaw off your own arm…

FJM Rule number 2 is to stand on the first tee and swing so hard that you see stars whether you make contact or not..this will get the nerves out and if you do blow chunks un-nerve your opponents who were in church all night…

BTW, if FJM were a young rutting buck ala Kid Puma, coming out of college and armed with a golf game and a smile, me thinks the European Tour would be my first choice…exotic locales, foreign tail and no Waffle House’s sounds better than the open or the Greater Greensboro classic…

The Old Guy Exhibition Tour took the week off to stock up on Icy Hot and Cialis…on that note, FJM would like to be able to watch golf, football and other sporting events with my kids but thanks to Cialis ads I cannot…it would be difficult enough explaining a four hour boner to Mrs FJM, much less Princess FJM…however when Prince FJM (currently 4) is old enough, FJM has a combined RUFFI / Cialis lecture planned…

On the LPGA tour,  FJM is proud to report major developments…a new winner and an addition to the FJM BumpNRun list all in one girl…please let me introduce you to on Beatriz Recari..winner of the CVS  LPGAChampionship …umm Beatriz can hold FJM’s head cover anytime…coincidently Beatriz hails from Spain where the Euro boys were lighting up over the weekend…other notes were BumpNRunner Cristie Kerr finishing a quiet 5th and Brittany Lincicome opening with a glistening 61 but then backing it up with a 76…considering how popular they are on the LPGA tour, there were only 2 69s on Sunday shot by Sara Lee and Heather Bowie Young…

That’s a wrap…Fairways and Greens

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BBDR week 3…playing catch-up

FJM made use of the DVR to catch up on BBDR and this post brings us right up to date.  Let’s jump right in:

Best looking babe: Elena in a whire fedora. FJM couldn’t find a photo for this post but trust me…pure smoke. FJM doesn’t even care anymore that she is yappy and doesn’t know how to play golf.

Stephanie Sparks: Our girl looks tremendous in black…8.4

Plotline: Teams are tied at 1 point each. Sara has unfortunately come down with a flu bug or perhaps nerves after her major chokatation from week 2…fortunately Team Ovary was there to console her

In the team competition, the girls couldn’t hit lob shots to save their lives and the guys were not much better. Honestly the golf on this show just sucks…I mean FJM can bring some game and could crush these idiots…of course FJM also looks like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag so the Q score would suffer…although along those lines, Lori is hanging in…the men won the team challenge when Brian managed to hit a 60 yard wide fairway off the tee…one hand clap for that…in the individual challenge, Lori (there she goes again) and Blair teamed up to beat Blake and the Mayor’s kid in a three hole playoff…they did it by shockingly making an alternate shot  birdie (first one of the competition)…this was the first sign of golf ability of the show.

Biggest Choke: Brenda the blarney bird from Ireland took about 7 tries to get the ball over the flop wall thereby killing her match…she just sucks.

Dumbest comment: In setting their order for the team competition, the men selected the Mayor’s kid to go last…he replied…”Bringing up the rear, that’s what I’m good at”…I mean FJM’s ass puckered when he said it.

Results: Team Ovary now leads 2 challenges to 1. the Mayor’s kid and Blake are benched for next week.

Next week, FJM promises to comment on Team Ovary christening themselves the “Glossy Posse”…

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Big Break Dominican Republic week 2 synopsis…more Golf Channel nonsense

Big FJM hello to all.

From week 1, Brenda the irish bird was benched for week 2…unfortunately she was still given camera time on the week 2 show….Results after week 1 have the men up 1 challenge on team ovary…Best part of the show so far for FJM is the opening of the show which has Elena emerging from a pool in her bikini..FJM has made use of the freeze frame on the DVR a couple of times. Here’s the breakdown from week 2:

Stephanie Sparks: FJM Bumpnrunner # 7 rates a 7.4 for a lavender top and khaki shorts

Best looking babe: Christina.

Dumbest comment. William knicknamed “football”in the show but reminds me more of Drama from Entourage: “I likeda that shot”…really? this guy’s from Virginia but he sounds like he’s from the southernmost rural tip…

Biggest choke. Hard to calculate. Brian who must be a serial masturbator the way he grinds on himself and Blake, who looks like a young less of a douchebag Jim Furyk both missed a 100 yard wide fairway in the challenges match. Anthony (AROD) did his Hunter Mayhititifat impersonation and chilidipped a wedge on the same hole…but the choker of the week unfortunately goes to Sara. who three jacked from 8 feet to let the men sneak into extra holes for the team challenge…well done Sara…further proof that there is only one reason you are on the team:


Clutch player of the week. This is a no doubt about this call. Lori from team Ovary has been money…she closed out the the Mayor’s kid (Andrew Guiliani) in the extra hole of the team championship and then put Dave on the bench in the indiviual challenge…without Lori, Team Ovary might as well stay in the condo and have pillow fights with each other…which if the Golf Channel wanted to improve ratings, they would schedule filming immediately

Biggest disapointment for FJM was Elena choking. Coming out the pool on the opening she is all full of promise…but turms out she can’t play and she’s kind of yappy…

BTW…2 weeks in and nobody has holed a shot or made a birdie…which means the show should be called: “Big break Dominican Republic, these guys suck.”

Results: Team challenge is tied after week 2…Dave is on the bench for Team Testicle for week 3

Fairways and greens

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The week that was

Greetings all from FJM…here is a breakdown of last weekends winners and chokers

Heath Slocum won something called the McGladery Classic..kudos to Bill Haas who backed up his win at the “everybody good is at the Ryder Cup Viking Classic” last week with a 2nd place spot…biggest choker goes to some guy named Troy Merrit. He was sitting at 11 under going into the fourth round…if he shoots even par, he finishes Tied for 6th and wins $134K…instead Troy goes out and cards a handy little 5 over 75 and finishes tied for 33rd and wins $18K…costing himself $116K…we’ve seen worse but no doubt Troy is wondering why he spent Saturday night locked in his hotel room when he could just as well have been out bagging groupies…

On the European Tour, Martin Kaymer shook the Ryder Cup Champagne out of his hair and took the Dunhill Links Championship…There was no significant choker but some guy named John Parry had the third round lead and managed to shoot even par and finish tied for third and win himself $200K. FJM figures that Mr. Parry realizing that he may never be leading anything ever again found himself some groupies and blew his brains out Saturday night…thus leaving him nice and relaxed as he coasted to a 72 and his best ever pay day..hope he tipped the ladies..though based on the pickings from the Guild of Harlots, he may actually have stayed in the room with a bottle of scotch, the jergens and kleenex

On the Old Guy Exhibition Tour, Mark O’Meara rose from the dead and beat Michael Allen in a play-off…apparently the former Masters and British Open Champ was having some issues off the course…divorce, remarriage, and his dad died so this is a bit of a comeback…well good for Mark…of course his marriage may have hung in there if not for a certain friendship

Old guy Choker of the week was an incomplete…just not much excitement

On the LPGA tour,  some english bird named Katherine Hull won the Navistar Classic. This tournament was an embarrassment to the LPGA…the course was in worse shape than the Hillsdale NY Short Game Center…brown patches on greens, dead rough…I mean it was a joke…it looked like they were playing some $30 buck a loop muni…of course it was Alabama so who knows…coolest feature though is the Golf Channel coverage includes in round interviews with the players…this is the first innovation in golf coverage that is worth a damn that I have seen in awhile…they even had FJM Bump and Run list member Stephanie Sparks working the mike…of course they need to work on the content…nobody cares how the players are feeling, FJM wants the real insight…typical interview should go something like:

Stephanie: Great par back there Sun-Jin

SJ: Arigato

Stephanie: Our viewers are interested, exactly how much sushi eating does go on during the course of an LPGA tour event?

SJ: “Rots”  big smile and wink to our Stephanie

Stephanie: “Looking worried” Thanks SJ, gotta run good luck the rest of the way…back to the tower at 18.

Biggest choker at the Navistar was FJM Bump n Run list member Cristie Kerr who took the 3rd round lead and did nothing with it…she still finished tied for third, but FJM Bump n Runners are expected to put out on Sundays…on the bright side, Ms Kerr is the only Bump n Runner who made any money on the course last weekend…so there…of course since Ms. Kerr is a married manwrangler, she was no doubt un affected by the LPGA’s version of groupies

FJM is fired up for another round of BBDR…saty tuned for updates

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Big Break Domincan Update – FJM munches crow

Just a quickie here…The aforementioned Aunt Gertude just bitch slapped one of the dudes…how she gets the club around those hips I have no idea…but as they say honor is due..the Dude was pathetic…missed the green from 40 yards against a chick…best contact he made all day was the bench he kicked when he was sent off…

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Golf Channel – Big Break Dominican Republic

Greetings… FakeJohnnymiller here or FJM as I like to call myself to save on the typing …taking advantage of some downtime to get caught up on Big Break on the Golf Channel…I have been reviewing these shows with some amusement for a couple of years…most programming on the Golf Channel is such crap that  it hardly bears watching…more on that below…for neophytes the purpose of the Big Break shows is to lure selected white trash PGA and LPGA wannabes to a neutral location where they can humiliate them for our viewing pleasure…Think Survivor For Golfers…there have been many variations of the show…kind of like porn…girl on girl, boy on boy, girl on boy, all girl, all boy…it is rumoured that the all boy shows were at the request of Golf Channel on air personality Tom Abbott…more on him later…These shows must cost spit to produce because there is a new one every 6 weeks…this month we are at the Punta de Cana resort in the DR for Big Break Dominican Republic (BBDR)…this show pits 6 dudes against 6 babes…actually based on early viewing, its actually 6 dudes against 5 babes and their nasty old Aunt Gertrude…I’m not going to run down all of the personalities but a couple of highlights…the guys include Andrew Guliani, son of the Mayor of America and a guy who’s nickname is A-Rod…I have high confidence that Guliani will be entertaining if he doesn’t have to leave the show to attend his sister’s trial for shoplifting As for the A-Rod guy, I will be cheering for him to shank everything he looks at and somehow hurt himself…my Red Sox roots showing…on the girls side, we have a conundrum…the previously referenced Aunt Gertrude is actually one Lori Atsedes…Lori actually played on the LPGA awhile a go…it went so well that she’s debasing herself on national television to try and get a spot back…Lori’s agent clearly did not inquire as to who her fellow teammates were going to be as she has been placed amongst some serious Smoke…she’s not hard to spot…she’s fire retardent compared to the rest of the Smoke. 

The level of shapeliness on BBDR has lead FJM to create a new listing of the most hittable women in golf…I’m going to call it the “Bump and Run” list. Here is the opening top ten:

10. Tina Miller Hot dirty and nasty

9. Ashley Prange. Big Break veteran and homewrecker

8. May Wood. No reason other than any girl with “may” and “wood” in her name has got to make the list

7. Christie Kerr – I know a little chunky, but she’s major champion and I enjoy a little flour roll now and again.

6. Anna Rawson – shit golfer but combustible

5. Stephanie Sparks – Golf Channel – every list needs a MILF

4. Blair O’Neil – BB – DR- “I touch myself…yeah…”

3. Natalie Gulbis – hot independent, lives in Vegas…body is tighter than a bull’s ass

2. Elene Robles – BB DR – Get her and Blair together in a hot tub and you’ve got ratings gold 

 1. Lauren Thompson – Golf Channel hostess…I need a kleenex

That took  alot longer to put together than it did for you to review…I’m out of Jergens as well…a couple of notable omissions:

Kelli Tilghman Golf Channel hotess didn’t make it because she’s really a man

Eric Blasberg was omitted because she offed herself a couple of months ago

Jan Stephensen and Laura Baugh are honourary members and therefore not eligible for listing

No Asians were included because they already dominate the LPGA tour.

New Category – Golf Channel On Air Douche of the Day / week / month / year

Kicking off with Tom Abbott. He co-hosts BBDR with our milfy friend Stephanie Sparks…actually he should be selling blenders at 5:00 AM on cable…fake British accent…handing our points and cash prizes like a game show host…he’s like all the other white guys on Golf Channel…duller than dirt and terrified to say anything controversial…I mean he’s describing whether or not Blair O’Neal can hit a flop shot over a bunker without even asking “do you think she is wearing a thong today Stephanie?” Earth to Golf Channel, you put the Smoke on the screen for a reason…so buffoons like me would watch…I don’t care if she makes the shot…I just want to be there to hold her if she doesn’t.

Fairways and Greens…

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Viking Classic review

Bill Haas won this Fall Finish tourney…nobody anygood played…they were too embarrassed to face why questions about why they weren’t on the Ryder Cup team…Viking Classic…a tournament sponsored by a kitch appliance maker…no offense but aren’t these guys sponsoring the wrong tour?

Anyway Haas won and you nver heard of any of the other guys…Haas is the son of Jay Haas who has been a solid Pro for years…both went to Wake Forest where Arnold Palmer went…and Arnold once nailed Winnie on a Viking range so there’s your connection.

Keep it in the fairway

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