Greetings… FakeJohnnymiller here or FJM as I like to call myself to save on the typing …taking advantage of some downtime to get caught up on Big Break on the Golf Channel…I have been reviewing these shows with some amusement for a couple of years…most programming on the Golf Channel is such crap that it hardly bears watching…more on that below…for neophytes the purpose of the Big Break shows is to lure selected white trash PGA and LPGA wannabes to a neutral location where they can humiliate them for our viewing pleasure…Think Survivor For Golfers…there have been many variations of the show…kind of like porn…girl on girl, boy on boy, girl on boy, all girl, all boy…it is rumoured that the all boy shows were at the request of Golf Channel on air personality Tom Abbott…more on him later…These shows must cost spit to produce because there is a new one every 6 weeks…this month we are at the Punta de Cana resort in the DR for Big Break Dominican Republic (BBDR)…this show pits 6 dudes against 6 babes…actually based on early viewing, its actually 6 dudes against 5 babes and their nasty old Aunt Gertrude…I’m not going to run down all of the personalities but a couple of highlights…the guys include Andrew Guliani, son of the Mayor of America and a guy who’s nickname is A-Rod…I have high confidence that Guliani will be entertaining if he doesn’t have to leave the show to attend his sister’s trial for shoplifting http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/04/caroline-giuliani-arreste_n_671013.html. As for the A-Rod guy, I will be cheering for him to shank everything he looks at and somehow hurt himself…my Red Sox roots showing…on the girls side, we have a conundrum…the previously referenced Aunt Gertrude is actually one Lori Atsedes…Lori actually played on the LPGA awhile a go…it went so well that she’s debasing herself on national television to try and get a spot back…Lori’s agent clearly did not inquire as to who her fellow teammates were going to be as she has been placed amongst some serious Smoke…she’s not hard to spot…she’s fire retardent compared to the rest of the Smoke.
The level of shapeliness on BBDR has lead FJM to create a new listing of the most hittable women in golf…I’m going to call it the “Bump and Run” list. Here is the opening top ten:
10. Tina Miller Hot dirty and nasty
9. Ashley Prange. Big Break veteran and homewrecker
8. May Wood. No reason other than any girl with “may” and “wood” in her name has got to make the list
7. Christie Kerr – I know a little chunky, but she’s major champion and I enjoy a little flour roll now and again.
6. Anna Rawson – shit golfer but combustible
5. Stephanie Sparks – Golf Channel – every list needs a MILF
4. Blair O’Neil – BB – DR- “I touch myself…yeah…”
3. Natalie Gulbis – hot independent, lives in Vegas…body is tighter than a bull’s ass
2. Elene Robles – BB DR – Get her and Blair together in a hot tub and you’ve got ratings gold
1. Lauren Thompson – Golf Channel hostess…I need a kleenex
That took alot longer to put together than it did for you to review…I’m out of Jergens as well…a couple of notable omissions:
Kelli Tilghman Golf Channel hotess didn’t make it because she’s really a man
Eric Blasberg was omitted because she offed herself a couple of months ago
Jan Stephensen and Laura Baugh are honourary members and therefore not eligible for listing
No Asians were included because they already dominate the LPGA tour.
New Category – Golf Channel On Air Douche of the Day / week / month / year
Kicking off with Tom Abbott. He co-hosts BBDR with our milfy friend Stephanie Sparks…actually he should be selling blenders at 5:00 AM on cable…fake British accent…handing our points and cash prizes like a game show host…he’s like all the other white guys on Golf Channel…duller than dirt and terrified to say anything controversial…I mean he’s describing whether or not Blair O’Neal can hit a flop shot over a bunker without even asking “do you think she is wearing a thong today Stephanie?” Earth to Golf Channel, you put the Smoke on the screen for a reason…so buffoons like me would watch…I don’t care if she makes the shot…I just want to be there to hold her if she doesn’t.
Fairways and Greens…